Answering some questions about sexual fetishes.
Hello! I got a message the other day from a viewer who said:
I was wondering if you could talk about fetishes and if they’re okay. I have a strong fetish for wedgies. Giving and getting wedgies turns me on more than anything else. How would I bring this concept up to a partner?
So, let’s talk about fetishes.
The first question posed here is whether fetishes are okay. Now I’m not going to get into the ethics of specific fetishes, some of which have been called into question, because that’ll get into a whole other conversation. But I can say that fetishes, in general, are completely fine and pretty normal. I can’t give you statistics on how common these sorts of paraphilias are, but just looking at the size of fetish communities on the internet (kinky social networking site FetLife, for example, has over 4 million members) makes it clear that a lot of people have less-than-vanilla interests when it comes to sex.
The big motto right now in BDSM circles is RACK, Risk-Aware Consensual Kink. As long as everyone involved is fully consenting and understands any potential risks, whatever activities you want to bring into the bedroom are generally fine.
The second question here is how to bring your fetishes up to a partner. Talking about desires and boundaries is so, so important in any sexual relationship. So I say bring it up to them exactly the way you brought it up to me. Get a conversation going, maybe ask them about things they want or their feelings about fetishes in general to get the ball rolling in that direction. And then just be like, “Hey, this is a thing I’m super into. Would you be willing to explore it with me?”
After that, there’s pretty much three ways the conversation could go.
- They could say, “Yeah, I’d be down for that.” In which case, awesome!
- They could say, “That’s not something I want to do.” If that happens, then it’s up to you to decide how important this fetish is to your life and happiness and whether this particular person is a good fit for what you want out of a relationship.
- They could get weird or judgemental about it, in which case they’re probably not a good fit for you.
Lindsey Doe from Sexplanations has an awesome video about Want, Will, Won’t lists, which are a great and sometimes surprisingly fun way to discuss desires and boundaries with a partner. I’ll link that down in the description.
If you know your fetish is important to your satisfaction in a relationship, you can also always search out partners in fetish communities who are already into the same thing as you.
What do you guys think? What are good ways to introduce the concept of fetish play into a relationship?
In other news, Halloween is coming up, and if you haven’t seen I put up a blog post this week about my favorite spooky, Halloween-y sex toys. I had a lot of fun putting that together, so if that’s something you’re into, I’ll link it in the cards annotation and video description.
As always, thanks for watching, and I’ll see you next time!