Tips and techniques for opening communication and getting the sex you want.

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Video Transcript + Pictures

Any sex educator worth their salt will tell you that good communication is one of the most important components to really great sex. When everyone is on the same page and knows each other’s likes and dislikes, desires and limits, it’s easier to ensure that each person has the best experience possible.

But open sexual communication is often easier said than done. Talking about desires is really vulnerable, and it’s easy to let shame or fear of judgement keep you from opening up about what you really want.

And this is something so many people struggle with — I know sex educators who preach communication all day and then go home and are afraid to tell their own partners, “Hey, I really want to try this,” or “I don’t actually love it when you do that.”

So let’s talk about some different ways to open up that dialogue.

This video is sponsored by a really cool service called Simpatic.US, but I’m going to get to them a little bit later.

One of my absolute favorite methods for starting conversations about desire is “Want/Will/Won’t” lists, sometimes referred to as “Yes/No/Maybe” lists. To start, you create three different columns: Want (the things that you know you love or are excited to try), Will (the things you may not personally be super interested in, but that you’re open to exploring or will do because you know your partner enjoys them), and Won’t (your turn-offs, your limits, things you will not do in any capacity).

Let’s say this hypothetical person wants to give blowjobs, is willing to talk dirty, and won’t have sex without condoms.

Want, Will, Won't list example

Partners can fill out their lists together or do them separately and then compare later. The goal is to see where everyone’s Wants, Wills, and Won’ts do or don’t overlap, to create a map for the types of sex each person wants to be having, and just to open up communication. Maybe your partner has something on one of their lists you’ve never even heard of before. Maybe they had no idea you were so into into that one thing. This is a great chance to talk about that!

As you compare, you can keep adding to your own lists based on what the other person has on theirs, or go in and mark each other’s wherever they match with your own feelings.

Want, Will, Won't list example

I love Want/Will/Won’t lists. I think they’re really fun to fill out and a great way to explore interests with a partner.

If you’re a serious Sex Geek and want to take the concept one step further, Bex Talks Sex has created some even more thorough spreadsheet templates with different lists for kink and language preferences, as well as differentiation between hard vs. soft limits, giving vs. receiving, and things you’ve done before vs. things you want to try. They’ve even included suggestions of acts and words to fill them in with. I’ll link their post on that down in the description because it’s awesome.

Now, what if you’re someone for whom even the thought of lists like that makes you nervous? After all, they still involve laying your desires out on the table, including ones that you may be embarrassed by or worried that your partner may not want to do. I completely understand that. In an ideal world, we could all be completely open to partners about our sexual interests without fear or shame, but we don’t live in that ideal world, and those are valid emotions.

This is where Simpatic.US comes in. They have devised a way for partners to discover shared interests without the anxious vulnerability that can come with opening up directly about an interest or kink without knowing if the other person feels the same about it.

The way they’ve accomplished this is through a comprehensive sex questionnaire. The idea is that you and a partner each fill it out separately, and then they e-mail you each a report containing only the things you matched on.

SimpaticUS Website Screenshot

I think this is a really interesting concept and could open the door for a lot of people who are nervous about having these conversations to start that dialogue and discover compatible desires. Love it. If this sounds like something you would be interested in, I’ll leave the link and information down in the description.

What are your favorite tips and tools for opening up communication around sex? Let me know down in the comments.

Thanks for watching, and I’ll see you next time!