My end of the year roundup of sex toy hits and misses!
Jimmyjane Form 5, tokidoki x Lovehoney Unicorn Wand, We-Vibe Nova, We-Vibe Sync, We-Vibe Rave, Womanizer, Satisfyer Pro 2, Lovehoney Desire Wand, Tantus Bound, Fun Factory Stronic Eins, & L’amourose Prism V
As the year draws to a close, I just want to take a little look back over a lot of the sex toys I tried this year. Things I loved. Things I hated. Mostly things I loved, honestly — as shitty as this year was in a lot of regards, it was a pretty good year for sex toys (at least for me)! So let’s dive into many of the wonders and disappointments 2016 brought into my life.
Let’s start with the worst toy I tried this year.
That honor absolutely has to go to the Jimmyjane Form 5. I hated this thing. If you watch all my reviews, you know that that was easily the most scathing one I have ever had to do. Pretty much everything about this toy upsets me. The vibrations are incredibly buzzy, numbing my vulva and making my hands itch from holding it. It makes a really obnoxious high-pitched sound. The shape doesn’t make any goddamn sense. And perhaps worst of all, it generally retails for $145. I have $15 vibrators that are better than this.
I do know a couple of people who like the Form 5, but I’m sorry, I will never understand you. I also know a lot of other people who hate it, so at least I’m not alone in that regard. This toy is shit, and Jimmyjane should feel bad.
Now onto the weirdest sex toy I tried:
The tokidoki x Lovehoney Unicorn Wand. Just look at this thing. It is hilarious and amazing and one of my favorite things in my life. Because unicorns. Why does this exist? I dunno, but I knew I needed to have it the moment I saw it, and Lovehoney was generous enough to hook me up.
Is it a great wand? Meh. It’s no Hitachi. It’s no Doxy. But does the Hitachi have a mane made out of rainbows? Does the Doxy have an actually-kind-of-uncomfortable pink horn protruding from its head? I don’t think so.
Let me know if you do want to see a review of this toy on my channel or blog because I’ve been debating whether or not I actually want to do one. It’s okay. I am totally getting a display stand for it though.
For me, the stand-out sex toy company in 2016 was easily We-Vibe.
They came out with three new toys this year, and every single one of them was really well done.
Their Nova didn’t fit my personal anatomy very well, as is the curse of rabbit vibrators, but I loved the innovative shape and its ability to be thrusted while still maintaining clitoral contact, and its vibrations were also pretty excellent. It didn’t work well for me, but I recommend it to other people all the time.
The Sync was a much-needed upgrade to We-Vibe’s flagship wearable “couples” vibrator, and its power level and adjustable hinges mean that it’s the first toy of that style that I really feel like I can recommend. Again, it’s not something I personally use all the time, but it’s a great option to have for people who want that kind of thing, and I’m so happy it exists.
Now, the We-Vibe Rave is a toy that I use all the time. As far as powerful and rumbly insertable vibrators go, this one cannot be beat. The vibrations are so deep and so strong, it kind of blows my mind every time I use it. I love the asymmetrical shape and how it can be twisted for unique G-spot stimulation and placed different ways on the clit for broader or more pinpoint stimulation. I don’t love that it’s not fully waterproof, but for vibrations like that, I can get past it. This is a fantastic sex toy from a fantastic brand. I love We-Vibe so much.
The most disappointing company, on the other hand, has to be LELO.
I have a whole blacklist on my blog of brands I don’t support, whether it’s because they have ethical problems, customer service issues, or just bad products, and LELO has managed to tick all three of those boxes. And I actually find that personally upsetting because LELO was one of the first companies I really got excited about when I first started getting into sex toys — they were luxurious, body-safe, and claimed to be feminist.
I have had mixed feelings about the company for a few years now, between their declining product and packaging quality, increased prices, inconsistent customer service, and recent focus on gimmicks over functionality when it comes to their toys. But 2016 really hammered home that LELO is not a company I can support in good conscience. This year they decided to break into the world of contraception and STI protection with a new condom called the LELO Hex. And who did they decide to bring on as the spokesperson for the Hex condoms campaign? Why, none other than the notoriously violent domestic abuser Charlie Sheen. Of course, they’ve completely blown off all criticism of this choice from feminists and abuse survivors, just like they’re now blowing off questions from sex educators about whether the Hex condoms are even safe as condoms.
I can’t. I’m done. If you’re in the market for a luxury sex toy, there are other brands out there with better, cheaper products and ethics that don’t suck.
Air pulsation/suction toys were HUGE this year.
I really liked the Womanizer for its unique, nuanced sensations, despite its gross name and gaudy appearance. I kind of wanted to like the Satisfyer and maybe be able to recommend it as a cheaper (and waterproof!) alternative, but it lacked any of the subtlety that made the Womanizer so effective for me and was so intense that I could barely even use it.
Overall, the Womanizer still reigns supreme for me, but if you’re looking to get one now I would actually recommend the new $99 Pro 40 model over the absurdly expensive version that I have. The new cheaper one is actually waterproof, sleeker looking, and apparently performs about as well. If my W500 ever bites the dust, I will probably replace it with a Pro 40.
I don’t have a lot to say about this toy. It’s just a really solid mid-sized, mid-range, rechargeable wand vibrator. It impressed me a lot more than I was anticipating, and I reach for it often. Good stuff.
I didn’t try very many new dildos this year (I think I tried four, all from Tantus), but when I got my hands on the Tantus Bound it quickly became on of my top-tier favorites. I still think that very nearly everyone will find this toy way, way, way too abrasive, but for me and my texture-obsessed vag, it’s absolutely wonderful.
Finally, the two best sex toys of 2016.
There are two sex toys that stood out for me not just as the best I tried this year, but also as some of the best toys that have ever come into my life. Unfortunately because I got both of them towards the end of the year, I haven’t had time to get reviews up for them yet. But they are so great, and I should have reviews ready for both within the next few weeks, so keep an eye out on my channel and blog.
The first of these two beauties is the Fun Factory Stronic Eins. I don’t really have the words to describe how brilliant this toy is, which is maybe why it’s taking me so long to do a full review. Fun Factory’s Stronic toys are some of the coolest things I’ve ever seen — instead of being a traditional vibrator, these are pulsators that have an internal weight that moves back and forth. Everyone compares them to a Shake Weight, and what it means is that the toy is basically self-thrusting. All it needs is a finger or two to keep it in the body (or you can brace it against a pillow) and it just chugs along, hitting my G-spot with a champion’s consistency and basically no effort on my part. It’s crazy expensive, almost $200, so I could never recommend it to the average person. But if you are a sex toy fiend and you’re looking for something different, that does something no other toy on the market can do, this is SO GOOD.
The second toy, and my new all-time favorite vibrator, is the L’amourose Prism V. Remember what I said earlier about there being luxury toys that are better and cheaper than LELO? The Prism is, to me, a perfect sex toy. It is so beautiful. The shape of the head is perfect for hitting my G-spot, perfect for giving my clit the not-too-pinpoint, not-too-broad stimulation it craves. It’s nice and rumbly, with a huge range of vibration intensities from gentle to powerful. Not quite as powerful as the We-Vibe Rave, but more powerful than my LELO Mona 2 or any other insertable toy I own. It’s completely waterproof. Perfect, perfect, perfect vibrator. For me, at least.
And price-wise, it is $99, making it cheaper than the Rave or any LELO insertable. Now, $99 is still a lot of money. This is not an inexpensive sex toy by any means, but as far as luxury vibrators go, this is the toy that I feel I can most confidently recommend above all others. It has the versatility, shape, type and range of vibrations, and price that I think could satisfy the widest variety of people. I cannot overstate how fucking good this vibrator is. It’s my favorite.
My sex toy goals for next year are, first off, to review more budget-friendly toys. Toys under $100. Toys under $50. I’m lucky because of the work I do to be sent a lot of really expensive, luxury sex toys, but let’s be honest, I could never afford most of those if I had to pay for them, and I’m sure a lot of you are in that same boat. A toy doesn’t have to cost a lot of money to be good, and there are definitely some quality options out there at a lower price range, so I want to explore that more in 2017.
I also want to try out different toy materials that have never touched my genitals before — stainless steel, wood, glazed ceramic, polished stone. I want to try more glass toys. My collection right now is almost entirely silicone and ABS plastic, so I think it’s time to branch out.
What were the worst or best sex toys you tried in 2016? What were your favorite things I reviewed? Let me know in the comments if there’s anything specific you’d like to see me review in the new year!
Thanks for watching, and I’ll see you next time!